Mother Vikings
by Lexicon Rubicon
Summary: Mathis and Berwald have been dating 3 years and never met each others mothers.  How these woman test their sons lovers are a bit...unconventional, but thats just how Mother Vikings are.
1. Linnéa of Sweden, A Danish Nightmare

Mathis shifted uncomfortably as he waited for Berwald to return. He had no idea why he had agreed to this. The two had been dating for nearly three years but neither had ever meet the others parents. Berwald had informed Mathis only the other day that his mother, Mrs. Linnéa Oxenstierna, was on her way to Copenhagen and would arrive the next day. That had left two options, meet the woman, or run like hell.

Berwald had laughed at Mathis for hours, noticing how uncomfortable the other man looked. He had tried to dress up with black slacks and a white dress shirt, but that only made him feel even more nervous. No butterflies in his stomach. Nuclear bombs exploding seemed more like it.

Since the Swede had left to go wait for his mother at Copenhagen Airport, thankfully leaving the Dane behind, Mathis Køhler had sat on the couch, not daring to leave the room for any reason. Skipping breakfast seemed like a horrible idea now, but he hadn't wanted to vomit during his first impression with the woman.

"M'this, 'm back!" Berwald called before opening the door to their home, and glancing inside. All Mathis could do was wave back shyly. He shouldn't be scared of Berwald's mother, he knew that, she would more than likely be a sweet, caring, wonderful-

"Is that anyway to greet your lover?" the woman's voice was nearly as accented as her son's but years of traveling and few trips home had weathered it to a _slightly_ more understandable one.

"N-no ma'am." Mathis said, realizing he didn't even call his own mother ma'am. Berwald was clearly hiding his amusement at just how pale Mathis had become as his mother walked inside.

The woman was thin but tall, her soft golden hair secured in a bun. She was in her late 50's, with sharp, unnerving blue eyes that were occupied with scrutinizing the strangely docile Dane before her.

_She's going to destroy him. _Berwald didn't dare voice the comment in front of her though.

Huffing, the woman glanced around the room. "At least your home is clean. Though that's probably my little _Lejon_." Turning her attention to Berwald and instantly looking every bit like Mathis' mom did when he showed her photos of he and Berwald's vacation to the Bahama's. "What ever happened to that cute little Finn? He was just the best! Definitely knew how to be a host and treat his guests."

Mathis scrambled to his feet, face a bright red. "F-forgive me ma'am. P-please have a seat. Would you like something to drink or eat?" he ran a hand through his messy dirty blonde hair, making Linnéa zero in on it.

_He's fucked. _Berwald noted.

"Oh, thank you _sweetheart _but I'm fine." Linnéa sat down on the couch, crossing her legs and motioning for Berwald to sit to her left, Mathis to her right. The venom in her voice didn't go unheeded. "No, _Lejon_ tell me how you met such a..._handsome_ young man."

"'e wo-" Suddenly Linnéa stopped him, eyes sparkling.

"Oh Berwald, I'm so sorry sweetheart, but I think it would be just wonderful if Mathis told me instead. So we can bond." The lack of a sneer on her face when she said his name definitely was a shocker. She turned her cold, accusing eyes toward him and it took all his strength not to flinch.

"I worked at a store across from his apartment building. One day I got...a little drunk and we both ended up in the hospital."

_Nope, now he's fucked._

"See my little _Lejon. _I told you _they _were overly violent. You shouldn't have moved here, and with one of _them_ that assaulted you."

"'e ne'er said 'e 'ssualted me." Berwald said lightly, defending what little respect his mother had for the love of his life. Mathis certainly was doing a shit job of it.

"Oh, your right. Maybe you can finish your little story later Mathis." she patted his arm with mock affection. "I made you a treat Ber. Knowing you must do all the cooking, I wanted you to have one night free with a home cooked meal you didn't have to slave over."

"M'this c'oks." the Swede sent an apologetic glance over his mothers head that made the man feel at least a little better.

"I'm sure he does. I just meant that you get a home cook meal that won't poison you." At least she wasn't pretending like it wasn't a verbal slap to the face.

"My cooking isn't that bad." Mathis realized how strained his voice sounded. Fuck being scared of her, if she didn't watch herself soon not even Berwald would be able to save her.

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that dear. For a Dane you probably cook amazing." Mathis twitched as she reached into the bag she had brought with her and pulled a plastic container out of it. "I have meatballs and cookies for you two. Not that _that one_ needs any by the looks of it."

"_Din kælling!_" Mathis hissed under his breath, all fear for the woman gone. If Berwald hadn't hidden his axe she wouldn't still be breathing by now.

"What was that?" her voice was still soft and light but her face was twisted into an ugly mask. Mathis calmed himself.

"Nothing." No need to add the 'ma'am' any more. Silently he let her go on, insulting his cooking, home, love for her son, country, language, and everything else she could until one comment pushed him over the edge.

"Well it's getting late, I'm going to go." Berwald looked a bit surprised.

"'ou're 't gonna st'y?" he asked and she nodded, kissing him on the cheek while she stood up and brushed her long black skirt, as if trying to brush germs away.

"No, I'd love to but I called in and you remember Katarina? She lives here with her husband. Both nice Swedes. Wouldn't want to get sick staying here." Mathis jumped to his feet, eyes flaming.

"What the fuck does that mean?" he snapped but didn't wait for her to continue. "I can't believe someone as good and wonderful as Berwald has such a sad excuse for a mother! You come into _our_ home by _our_ good grace and the only thing you do is insult me and my country the whole fucking time your here!" Linnéa was looking at Mathis wide-eyed, clearly in shock. Berwald place a hand on Mathis' shoulder, only to have the Dane turn on him with an equally pissed look.

"And you! I spent 3 fucking years with you and you let her walk all over me! I know she's your mom but all I wanted to do was make a good impression. For you. I could care less what someone like her thinks of me." Finally coming down from his rant for a moment he stalked over to the door, throwing it open. "Out. Both of you." he snarled.

Linnéa had finally recovered and with just as much hatred as the blue eyed Dane went to the door, giving him one last look before hurrying out. Berwald made his way slower, stopping to steal a quick kiss and murmur an apology.

Knowing he couldn't just kick Berwald out he added, "You can come back alone in a few hours."

When Berwald got outside and caught up to his mothe,r Linnéa looked positively upbeat. Smiling at him she patted his head.

"_Lejon_ you've finally found someone who can stand up to me. Though I might have gone too far. He seems like a wonderful young man, I give my blessing." Berwald smiled back.

"'ank ya." he said, embracing the thin woman happily.


	2. Hjørdis of Denmark, Berwald's Nightmare

"Oh my favorite little Mistake! How are you sweetness?" Hjørdis Køhler embraced Mathis tightly, grinning at her son. "You just missed your brothers! I bet you planned it, to bad Christoffer stuck around a few days." Hjørdis was a willow thin woman with straight blonde hair she kept tied securely around her shoulder. She had thick, red rimmed reading glasses perched on her nose and wore a jersey for some unintelligible time that fell to mid-thigh.

"Hey mom, this is Berwald." Mathis stepped out of the way, beaming at the short woman who instantly embraced the Swede just as fiercely.

"I'd recognize him anywhere. Those vacation pictures were adorable! Well, besides the fact a few were rather inappropriate." she shot a non-threatening glare at her son.

"He shouldn't have been so cute while sleeping." Berwald gave the woman a startled look.

"Exc'se me?" he managed, face turning bright red with all the things the little devil who had began to roar with laughter could possibly do.

Hjørdis looked serious as she replied, "Really, drawing penises on his face, and those stick figures! I don't dare to think what those meant." even as she chastised him a small smile broke out. "He's always been such a naughty boy."

"No I have no!" Mathis protested, looking at Berwald for support.

"No." the blonde answered before Mathis could even get the question out, forcing him to pout. Berwald had to admit, Mathis was acting just like a little puppy for his mom. His claims of, "I'd be happier just to send them pictures and call twice a year."

"Yeah right you little shit!" A man closer to Hjørdis' size snapped, moving forward from the corner of the tiny room to hug Mathis briefly. "You used to steal my bottle to drink out of it then give it back empty when you were five!"

"Now, now, we can talk about what a bad boy Mathis is after we have a good old fashioned Køhler interrogation of him." Motioning to a couch she sat down, Mathis and Christoffer to one side and Berwald to the other.

"Well, I know the little story of how you met, Mathis called me from the hospital the next day. So, lets go to why you've put up with as Køhler this long."

"It takes skill!" Christoffer piped up.

"I c'n toler'te 'im." Berwald said, making Mathis grin.

"That means he loves me~"

"Like someone could love you." Christoffer shot back, chuckling until he was smack upside the head by his older brother. This instantly sparked a shouting match, making Hjørdis roll her eyes.

"Boys," she tried, but her soft voice was lost to them. "Boys." she said again with slightly more force but they still screamed and did the best imitation of a manly slap fight they could. Hjørdis' face turned red. Turning to Berwald she murmured quickly, "Cover your ears, Hun, okay?" Turning back she stood and screamed up at the two who had jumped from the couch to have more range, "BOYS!"

Berwald was glad for the warning. The woman sounded like a siren. Mathis and Christoffer, thankfully, went dead silent. Hjørdis frowned.

"That's it, Mathis, go up to your room. Christoffer, go to yours. If either of you gets out I'll skin you alive and devour your souls. Understand."

"Sure Hjørdis." They each said docilely, escaping the tiny woman before worse could happen.

Hjørdis took a moment to release her hair from its holder before running a hand through it and putting the ponytail back in place. "Well, I'm sorry for that. But, would you like to figure out why I call Mathis my favorite mistake?"

"S're." Berwald was curious about that.

"Give me a second, okay Hun?" she went into a door hidden beneath the stair case, smiling back. Berwald took the moment to glance around the room. It was covered in pictures of either Hjørdis surrounded by at least twelve small children or of her with an assortment of handsome men and occasionally on woman who appeared several times. In one of the pictures, of her with her neck stretched to and odd angle as a small red-haired girl clung to her shoulder, an identical one tugging her hair, Berwald just knew something in it was...wrong somehow.

Before he could place his finger on it, Hjørdis' voice called back, "Hun, I'm back." she purred, swaying back into the room. Berwald's jaw fell open and he felt himself flush a dark red. Hjørdis was more or less naked, wearing a extremely slutty black dress that clung to her.

"Ma'am, w-w..." he cut off, shaking his head vigorously. He had no interest in woman, it was more of a shock to see Mathis' mom like...like a high-class prostitute strutting around in something so provocative.

"See those?" she pointed to a photo of her surrounded by children. "That's about half of them. I have twenty-nine children, though most are adopted or my friends and co-workers dumped them on me. But Mathis is my favorite Mistake. He was such a surprise to me." Hjørdis had slid back on the couch, arms wrapping around the Swede.

Fuck, what was he supposed to do? She looked to frail for him to risk pushing her away and he couldn't manage to get a word out still. Hjørdis chuckled lowly, her voice dropping deeper.

"Let me guess, you don't have any feelings for women at all?" she asked, earning a tense nod. Grinning she only moved closer. "Then you're lucky. She that woman over there, that's Mathis' birth mother. Few were married for fifteenth years, I'm technically Mathis' father." Hjørdis had allowed her voice to drop an octave, nearly as deep as the terrified Swede's. One hand moved to stroke up and down his thigh, moving close and closer...

"Fuck Mom, did I say you could rape him?" Mathis shouted, glancing from around the stairs. Christoffer's laughter could be heard across the house. It was then that Berwald realized what was wrong with the picture. Hjørdis had an Adam's apple.

"You never said I couldn't exactly!" she said back, laughing. "He's not my type anyway, I like them older."

"Ew, now I know your preferred sex partners! That's nasty Mom. So, he pass the test?"

"With flying colours."

"Wh't?" Berwald asked, still dazed. He quickly scooted out of Hjørdis' grip.

"I can explain, I really can this time," Mathis said, enjoying the Swede's obvious discomfort. "Your mom was a bitch, so I had to get you back. And my mom does this to everyone of our boyfriends and girlfriends. Well, not as slutty-"

"Sexy." Hjørdis corrected.

"Right, sexy. If you say so. Anyway, it's your payback mixed with family tradition. So, we can leave now and visit in about two years." Christoffer whined, huffing, "Don't leave me here."

"Y'ah. Le've." Berwald agreed quickly.

**OMG! I loved writing this. It makes me way to excited. Thanks to Pankeiko for reviewing! Hope you enjoyed it. Love if you other guys would tell me what you think. Bye!**


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